I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
