it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
