You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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