you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
