Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
