My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
