just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize