The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i think i just lost a toe
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
