i jhust puked up my retainher.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
high people should be assigned attendants
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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