My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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