I can't breathe out the right side of my face
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
