If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
