i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
