i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
