wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
