A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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