I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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