you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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