Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
