I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
