if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
