Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
