no, he came in my armpit
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
