On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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