I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
