my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
