I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
