They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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