Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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