Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
