i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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