fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
