I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
