She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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