and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize