Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
