I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize