cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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