I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
