Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
