shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
