I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
