i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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