I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
