i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
