is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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