Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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