My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
