No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
