haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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