No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
