i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
