i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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