I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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