Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
