youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
