I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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