You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
