I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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