i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I smell stomach acid.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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