Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think my moral compass just broke
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
