I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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