she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
